DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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