Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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