I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
