I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
