So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She's just so happy...and so naked.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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