I wish my penis had an off switch
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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