After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
