i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
