I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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