I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
