I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
