Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion