if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?