i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children