Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.