Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.