walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
