I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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