I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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