i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
