You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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