Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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