Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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