I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
