Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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