I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
