I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
