you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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