I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
