is your mom at the bar?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
