Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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