I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
