My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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