so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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