I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
