I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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