Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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