Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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