just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
