Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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