It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
