I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
