I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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