In America we eat man semen.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
