I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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