So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
