If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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