So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
