i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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