from now on my penis is your penis
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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