don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
