watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize