70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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