I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need water and some morals
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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