I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
