1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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