I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
