he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Found the puke drawer
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
