you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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